I've often been guilty of getting stuck in the cycle of my thoughts, ruminating and torturing myself, causing chaos in my inner world.. It's so easy in the world we live in today to get lost, and feel uncertain of ourselves. I think that it's natural for this to happen and it isn't an indication of failure. If we never stray from our paths, how will we ever grow and change? The irony is that the bumps along the way that feel like misgivings are usually our biggest lessons.
These blog posts are self-serving, a diary of sorts for me. If you've read this far and decide to stick around I hope that some of my rambling can also bring you a measure of peace and perhaps inspire you to treat yourself more compassionately..
I think I feel my most comfortable and my most annoyed and anxious when I am standing still. I've been stuck in a rut for most of my adult life, frozen in fear and afraid to make any decisions or take a chance on myself. The times that I have taken chances they've been very spontaneous and although they turned out okay in the end it's had me questioning myself. Do I really have any business making my own decisions? Do I really know what's best for me? These thoughts, and these cycles have driven me half insane but yet I've found them so very hard to break.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about what I want out of my life and I think the thing that scares me the most is that I really don't know. I do know I want love and loving relationships around me, I want fun, passion, and peace. These things all sounds great, right? So you might be wondering "Well, what's the problem then?". I think I have trouble conceptualizing a future where I feel content because I always find something wrong with the ideas I have. Starting a business? Well that could pollute the environment, Acting? That seems frivolous, Going back to school and pursuing my degree? What would I even study?.
More recently, I have started to see a commonality in these thoughts as they seem to be predicated on a few key themes: 1) Fear of failure, 2) Fear of the thoughts of others, 3) A great desire to help others, 4) An unrealistic idea of doing no harm (Ex: even ethical business ideas seemed unethical because do we really need anymore products in the world?).
I've realized that I could find fault in any decision I make, and that those decisions could leave me feeling like a failure. I have realized that I am punishing myself two-fold: Once for not pursuing anything, and two for pursuing the "wrong" thing. These ideas are the reason I have been spinning my wheels for so long now. The greatest realization I have had from all of the above rumination and self exploration is that none of it matters THAT much. That isn't to say that we shouldn't protect and look after our planet and others, but if I wouldn't judge someone else for doing any of the above than why am I pre-emptively punishing myself? Answer: It's easier to tell myself that I can't get hurt if I stay small. So now what? I make the promise to myself to actively work on re-shaping these belief systems and make the commitment to myself not to dim my light anymore.
I am not for everyone and everyone is not for me. I really can't help anyone if I don't allow myself to be seen. Launching my business as a psychic medium has been both fulfilling, exciting and anxiety inducing for me and guess what? I am so proud and excited that I followed through on my vision. I am excited to continue on my journey and I feel very blessed to get to work with my wonderful clients. It feels amazing to contribute to other peoples lives in a meaningful way, I am learning more about my gifts and myself everyday.
Life is a collaborative experience that I feel blessed to be a part of. So, here's to being brave, being kind to ourselves, chasing our dreams and allowing ourselves to be imperfect. They say growth happens outside of our comfort zones and it's high time I let myself experience it.
With love,
Tay
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